And now, my very own episode of CSI. [Ext - DAY - LARGE GRASSY FIELD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF A HIP AND LIKELY PERPETUALLY HOT CITY] COOL DUDE and SASSY FEMALE approach GENERIC UNIFORMED MAN. COOL DUDE and SASSY FEMALE are wearing outfits grossly inappropriate for a professional atmosphere and are carrying vaguely medical-looking bags. GENERIC UNIFORMED MAN leads COOL DUDE and SASSY FEMALE through the field. COOL DUDE Where's our vic? GENERIC UNIFORMED MAN Right over here. Not much to it, though. Just an arm and a hand burned so badly you can barely tell it was human. The trio stops. On the ground in front of them is a BURNED ARM AND HAND. COOL DUDE squats to inspect the BURNED ARM AND HAND. COOL DUDE Looks like this belonged to a female. I'd say she was twenty-five. SASSY FEMALE [Bending down] That sounds about right. COOL DUDE The arm wasn't burned here. The temperature at which flesh burns would have also burned the grass and there's no sign of that. When Joan of Arc was burned at the stake, a bag of explosive powder was tied around her neck so that her head would be blown off as soon as the flames reached the bag. SASSY FEMALE Ain't that the truth. COOL DUDE and SASSY FEMALE stand up. GENERIC UNIFORMED MAN has gone somewhere for some reason and he won't ever be back. COOL DUDE surveys the scene. A hip camera effect draws attention to a BLADE OF GRASS near the BURNED ARM AND HAND. SASSY FEMALE [Noticing COOL DUDE'S expression] What's up? COOL DUDE See that blade of grass? SASSY FEMALE That one right there? COOL DUDE Yeah. [Pause] It's pointing south. SASSY FEMALE [Understanding] Damn. COOL DUDE We've got a sexual predator on our hands. SASSY FEMALE Let's hope he got some of himself on her hand. SASSY FEMALE begins to prod and generally contaminate the BURNED ARM AND HAND. COOL DUDE continues to stare at the field. COOL DUDE It's clear there's no reason for the police to get involved. The crime scene unit will manage the entire investigation. SASSY FEMALE And I got our first clue. Look at those fingernails. SASSY FEMALE holds up the BURNED ARM AND HAND for COOL DUDE to see. The FINGERNAILS are virtually nonexistent because of the burning. COOL DUDE What about them? SASSY FEMALE There's polymer residue. She was wearing fake nails at the time. Now how many women in this city would have fake fingernails? COOL DUDE Probably ninety percent. SASSY FEMALE Exactly. COOL DUDE You saying she's from out of town and trying to fit in? SASSY FEMALE That's what I'm saying. She's probably from a rural area, looking to hit it big in the city. COOL DUDE And her arm was left in a field. Which means -- SASSY FEMALE Which means I wouldn't be surprised if the rest of her was alive somewhere. COOL DUDE He's sending a message. SASSY FEMALE Loud and clear. [FADE INTO DYNAMIC OPENING CREDITS DURING WHICH I CHANGE THE CHANNEL AND NEVER RETURN]

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